According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.