According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
is this how new cars are made??
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.