If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
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My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.
Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.
– Local News
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”
Sign two was failing skeleton class.