@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

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@Henry_3000

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

@House_Feminist

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

@anafabregagood

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

@evanR39

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.

@ferranticathy

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@librarianfonz

I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they’ll open up a small demolition business together.