@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

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@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you

@SaltyCorpse

BREAKING:

My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.

@TheMichaelRock

Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

@TheCatWhisprer

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

@pungodly

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@whatmaddness

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.