According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.


Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!


Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.


If a cop is at the door when I answer, I yell into the house “Anyone order a stripper?” then say “Sorry, wrong house” & slam the door shut.


Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.


I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat


I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”


Ugh, I am swamped at work today.

*stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours


If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is


I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.