my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful