According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

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jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year


My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up


[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.


me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us


Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!


Downloaded Duolingo to learn Portuguese and now I’m torn between Klingon and High Valyrian.


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39