Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.