jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Downloaded Duolingo to learn Portuguese and now I’m torn between Klingon and High Valyrian.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39