Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
You Might Also Like
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Taking phone security to the next level.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.