Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

huge valentines day plans this year!!

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.