Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.