According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
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My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.