Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Black Friday “markdowns” like

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t