According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24