According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Lucky old June.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
never stops being funny
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.