Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Tremendous stuff

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

Look at this

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]