Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Need WebMD

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”