Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

😬

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.