According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
😭😭
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.