According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right