Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

this article brought to you by lions

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.