According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You Might Also Like
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody