@DaddyJew

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

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@SergioValenCo

You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.

@iamlaurenp

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

@DanielKostadino

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@Tharin_P

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

@QwertyJones3

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@duchesskk

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@Staggfilms

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*