According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were