According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
handsome & gretel
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
next question.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.