According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening