According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Just grow your own
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
