According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
You Might Also Like
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.