Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.