According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
You Might Also Like
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
