Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

The two types of wives

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

the battle rages on

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

Jupiter

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own