Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.