Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?