Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …