Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.