Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.