According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.