According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.