According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Interior design 👌
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.