According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Succinctly put.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
This will never not be funny 😭
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?