Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This forever.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.