According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Love this guy
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*