According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
You Might Also Like
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion