Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.