According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
set yourself free xox
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.