According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The glockness monster
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
“I FIXED IT!”