According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
This probably isn’t good
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…