According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.


[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems


Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.


If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”


My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.


At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“So how many legs did he have?”


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.