Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard