Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Always
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back