Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Running from your problems is cardio .
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Trying
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
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