Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

kids play hide and seek like

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

me irl

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶