Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

It’s the weekend y’all

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying