Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead