Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?