Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.