Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

new shirt idea

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I basically called this earlier today

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.