Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now