Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

just having fun

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy