account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
pizza
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Bro what is this
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press