account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.