accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog