“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
all bases covered
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests