Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok