Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

#parenting

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free