Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.