Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?