Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why