Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.