Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm