Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.