Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.