ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.