Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

ㅤ

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Does your wife know you’re single?

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Britain be like

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses