Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

buys donuts instead

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.