accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
We made a comic about a space heater.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.