Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

Grandmother clock.

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

Ah..makes sense now

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!