accurate
You Might Also Like
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.