accurate
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?