accurate
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.